Sunday, September 04, 2005

Hero Class Secrets

The second volume of the comic - "Matters of the Heart and the Head" will start next week. Meanwhile, here's top-secret leaked information about the Hero Class system that Blizzard will be putting into World of Warcraft with the upcoming expansion pack. Many Bothans died to...err, wrong game.

Mage --> Super Water Boy
You can produce highly efficient mana regeneration water, but you have to drink a beer for every stack. Don't ask.

Hunter --> Wall Hugger
You can only travel while maintaining contact with a wall, but nothing will ever aggro on you. You gain a new ability, "Feign Combat" which makes your party members see you as fighting even though you've been sitting and drinking for the past 30 seconds. You can finally use training points to teach your pet bear to dance, which is useful when panhandling in Ironforge.

Rogue --> Ninja Looter
When in a group or raid, you get a five second head start to loot any freshly-killed mob. You are flagged for free-for-all PvP during this time.

Warrior --> Ultimate Tank
You draw all aggro in a fight and have 90% damage mitigation. However, you are unable to cause any damage and cannot move. Warlocks must constantly summon you into place.

Shaman --> Bean Eater
You gain a powerful AoE attack that deals nature damage to all enemy and friendly targets within range, however you have absolutely no control over when it procs.

Paladin --> Army of One
You get every shaman ability, mage teleports, and hunter guns. Now you truly no longer need anyone, which is good because no one wants to group with you either; you lose the ability to join parties. You no longer need an internet connection to play the game.

Druid --> Secret Gardner
You get a brand new zone, called "[Your Name]-glade" created on your server just for your character! You can teleport to this zone by lying down anywhere in the game and staying perfectly still for 20 minutes. While in your special zone, you can cultivate herbs and interact with the many non-aggressive woodland critters. You also gain the ability to transform into a manatee which boosts your faction standing with pirates by 60%.

Warlock --> Best Friend
You can transport players, prevent party wipes, repair equipment, summon pack-mules and hold onto extra quests (for sharing). Other players can equip you as a trinket to increase their mounted movement rate by 3%. Once every 10 minutes, you can be licked for a random beneficial potion effect. You are very useful.

Priest --> Shadow Priest
You can heal the entire party while doing damage at the same time, you have the damage mitigation of a tank, and you gain many powerful offensive capabilities. Oh wait.


Anonymous Placid said...


5:58 AM, September 09, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I cracked up. Seriously I did. My housemate was banging on the door to stop the noise and ended up having to put me back together again. Thanks for making my day!

10:23 PM, September 18, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

great -- i love the 'lock trinket

2:17 PM, October 03, 2005  
Anonymous Iriakim said...

That lock trinket thing would make me useful! Also can we lick ourselves for buffs?

3:26 PM, October 03, 2005  
Anonymous Johnson said...

Laughing my as off.

Came here via the WoW LJ community.

I'm especially fond of the Paladin send-up (even though I'm not a Pally basher, I swear) and "Other players can equip you as a trinket to increase their mounted movement rate by 3%."

Well done.

6:10 PM, October 03, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Funniest thing I've seen in several days. And as a mage, i get to make super good water, AND i have to drink a beer every time?

I knew Blizzard would redeem themsleves!

8:33 PM, October 03, 2005  
Blogger Cat said...

<----60 Warlock on Garona=very useful

6:29 AM, October 04, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Pure comedy gold, a+++, would do business again.

10:12 AM, October 04, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Beautiful...just beautiful. Gnome warlocks should get a bonus 2% for speed cause we're already trinket sized.

3:11 AM, October 05, 2005  
Blogger Tile said...

The size of gnome warlocks was the inspiration for this whole thing.

8:17 AM, October 05, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

HAHAHA OMFG HILLARIOUS you can read it over and over again and it still dosent get boring even after you read it 20 times

10:22 AM, October 08, 2005  
Anonymous Dawn said...

OMG. Ok this was just too funny. I especially enjoyed the Feign Combat one for hunters. I swear it seems no matter how much damage I am actually doing my group never seems to 'see' it so I feel like I already am feigning combat.

2:28 PM, October 08, 2005  
Anonymous Reyne of Durotan said...

Haha... nobody messes with the shadow priest. :-P

9:38 AM, October 09, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lol, that shadow priest is funny. "Oh Wait." hehe Yea, ultra funny stuff.

8:16 AM, October 10, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

In response to:

"Iriakim said...
That lock trinket thing would make me useful! Also can we lick ourselves for buffs?"

Answer- Only with sufficient yoga lessons

11:18 AM, October 14, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

All are very funny, except the Warrior one kinda sucks.

10:44 PM, April 18, 2006  
Anonymous Rowad said...

my dad just told me off for laughing too loudly but this is hillarious! I love it! my freind Kristian is rather small............ and has an odd obsession with playin warlock at moment........ can I equip him in real life?
IT RULES! I LOVE IT! ITS GREAT! whooo.........

11:56 AM, June 01, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good thing I rolled a priest!

5:32 PM, August 05, 2007  
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Anonymous Anonymous said...

lol I love the rogue think i get a 5sec headstart on loot yay. And i love the hunter thing so funny lol.

=> =) =^

4:30 PM, June 03, 2008  
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